4 signs your past with toxic relationship is affecting you
On this article, we’ll try to make you realize the impact of your past with toxic relationships.
First question: what is a toxic relationship? The dictionary tells us that toxic is something that “causes harmful effects”. It’s a simple definition, it’s true, but in the end it’s all about it. A toxic relationship is one that doesn’t make us happy. That is dysfunctional. That is bad.
This is revealed in many ways. From criticism to manipulation, from exacerbated jealousy to conflict, from lack of respect and acceptance of the other to a clear imbalance of power. Unfortunately, for those in a relationship, it’s not always easy to understand what is going on – either because good and evil get mixed up and become fuzzy concepts, or because the notion of what is acceptable or not is already lost.
This kind of relationships in the past may have affected you without your realizing it.
Understanding the impact of your past with toxic relationships
1. You always fall in love with the same kind people
According to Judith Orloff, a psychiatrist and author of “The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People,” if one of your parents was a narcissist, or an alcoholic, you may find you keep being attracted to these types of people until you can work through what hurt you in that initial relationship and begin to heal.
“Empaths do this a lot, because they’re such fixers and they want to get in there and heal things; and they think if they fix the person, somehow that’s going to heal their original relationship. But it never works”.
“So it’s important that people are aware, if they’ve had alcoholic parents and they keep attracting alcoholic boyfriends, that there may be a connection there, and that it’s important to look into whatever wounds you had growing up with an alcoholic parent so you don’t keep creating that in your life.”
2. You feel very insecure
“When you’re in a healthy relationship, there’s a significant back-and-forth where you’re complimenting each other, bringing out the best in each other, and letting each other know ‘I care about you. I’m here for you and this is why,’” says Rachel Sussman, LCSW, a marriage and family therapist in New York.
There’s not a lot of this going on in a toxic relationship. So if you’re in a constant state of insecurity around your person, you are not in a healthy relationship. Period.
3. Your family and friends are concerned
This sign can be especially tricky to figure out. The problem is that they’re coming from a protective place, so what they’re saying can end up coming across negative or controlling—which is the exact opposite of how you want to feel, since you’ve been dealing with that from your toxic partner.
Your natural instinct is to try to filter out what they’re saying and react with ‘Don’t tell me what to do’. But before you do that, take a deep breath and ask them a simple question: Why do you feel that way? Perhaps their response will help you see things through a new lens.
4. All the work, love, compromise comes from you
Nobody can hold a relationship together when they are the only one doing the work. It’s lonely and it’s exhausting. If you’re not able to leave the relationship, give what you need to give but don’t give any more than that.
Let go of the fantasy that you can make things better if you try hard enough, work hard enough, say enough, do enough. Stop. Just stop. You’re enough. You always have been.
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